I Always Win. [except for when I lose]

Alright..so this is my new blog. I got tired of always typing things out on my iPhone and writing them in little notebooks full of my comedic materials so this blog is the result of extreme laziness and a retrogression of technology. I think my first post will center on a delightful little story I would like to title “Triage Triangle” and subtitle it “Karma is a bitch, but so am I”. 

Warning: I am not a nice person when I’m wronged. There are two things I don’t stand for: 1) people hurting my friends and 2) people deliberately being cruel to me OR my friends. I am not exactly proud of my actions, but I feel like it’s a story worth telling in all it’s glory. It shows the real side of friendship and the real path of a person bent on getting revenge. It’s full of editing- I don’t want to tell the blunt truth about some of the details, so I have blurred a few lines, but mostly to protect myself from abuse and to protect the privacy of all involved.

I. Backstory

The delightful tale begins when I went home for winter break from college in my hometown. I won’t name any names in this particular tale, mostly because I feel like I’ve done enough damage without mudslinging and I feel like I might have potentially overstepped my right of anger by some of the vengeful things I did to this particular couple in question without outing them on the internet.. so I’ve come up with the false names “Kathy French” and “Micheal Vara” using a nifty generation website.  I have known Kathy since I was in second grade, and we’ve had our fair share of issues, including as instance of boyfriend stealing in high school (her), and backstabbing (me), and just a very chaotic relationship in general. I hadn’t seen her since she came with Micheal to the hospital in August when I was recovering from a car accident, so I was very excited to hang out with them- and honestly, the primary reason for this excitement was because I was incredibly bored with being home without a car to escape in, so I jumped on any chance of escape.

II. The Events Leading Up to Winning

 I went over to the old house that her grandparent’s owned, which she was currently living with Micheal in for the time being until they could afford to get out on their own. We hung out that evening, and I noticed that Micheal seemed particularly interested in pretty much anything that I had to say. This was both flattering and a tiny bit disconcerting because I was, at this point, under the impression that  the two were engaged.He and I had each other’s numbers before this, but after I left he began texting me and we would strike up conversation all throughout the day. Eventually, we both decided to make it known that there was a growing attraction, and he informed me that Kathy was always trying to break up with him, and he was incredibly unhappy with her. I told him that I wouldn’t do anything behind her back, but I did not refute him at this point- I feel like this is valuable knowledge. He told me all about how he was married with children to a woman when he met Kathy for the first time, and they had a bit of an affair in the sexual sense, but that they grew to love each other. I told him about my concerns that this same situation would invariably happen to me if I were to date him, but he assured me that I was “the love of his life” and his “princess”. So..fast forward a few days- Kathy learned about Micheal’s unfaithful actions and broke up with him, and broke friends with me at the same time. She threw him out of her house, but continued to come over and bring him food, and drove him to work at his machinist job at 4:00 am. I felt horrible and I told Micheal that I couldn’t be with him because I knew that I was being shady and hurtful towards an old friend and couldn’t believe that I was going to hurt her like that over a guy who is still technically (legally) married and currently has 4 children running around wrecking havoc on the world in various parts of the United States. I informed him of my reservations on the subject and he told me that I had absolutely nothing to worry about, and that I was the only person that he could see himself with for a long time, and alluded to the fact that he wanted to have a future with me. I decided to keep talking to him.

III. Plot Thickens

We continued talking and sent over 300 text messages in an elapsed time of around 1 day, and talked on the phone entirely too much. There was conflict with my mom after I told her what happened, and I resolved that I wasn’t going to enter into a relationship with Micheal because I knew in my heart that if someone could drop someone they were “engaged” to (side note: I learned that the ring Kathy had on her finger actually belonged to her mother and she just put it on one day and announced that she was now going to be engaged to Micheal) to be with someone who lived 100 miles away during the school year and is 6 years younger than him..could incredibly easily do the same thing to me. I had reservations about telling him this fact, but I decided to continue regardless of issues associated with all of the above. He had been kicked out of her house and moved into a trailer with their mutual friend, and he begged me to come over, and made the grave mistake of assuring me that “if I came over, Kathy wouldn’t need to know”. This had me incredibly suspicious, so I decided to call him out on his mistake. He tried to cover his tracks, and tell me that he didn’t know why he said it, but that he was still used to saying things like that. I was angry, but placated for the moment. Later that day, he told me Kathy was taking him to see a movie in apology for kicking him out on Christmas. I was pissed, and told him to leave me alone for the rest of the evening, and to have fun at the movie. He reacted in a way that was most peculiar: he started texting me every few minutes that he loved me and that she didn’t care that he was texting me, and that he wanted to come see me as soon as possible. I ignored all his texts because I was angry and a little bit hurt that after all the horrible things they had said about each other, they were still friends? It didn’t add up. I had assumed that the two were still seeing each other up until this point, but this conversation made it glaringly clear that there was something going on underneath the surface.

IV. Fallout

Micheal called me later in the evening and made excuses that he was just trying to remain friendly and that she owed him cash, and he wanted to collect it before he cut her out completely. I don’t know exactly which lies he used anymore, because the majority of his conversations were a symphony of half-truths and lies, but I know that it eventually came out that he thought he might have a chance at getting back together with Kathy, and he wanted to take it. I told him the following verbatim: “Ok. That’s fine. Don’t call me. Don’t text me. Leave me be. We are not friends. We are nothing. We are through”. He cried and was attempting to tell me that he was sorry he hurt me, but that he loved her. I hung up the phone, and cried a little..then got angry. I sent him a text message “If you gave one damn about me, you will call me and explain things so I can get closure”. I got a phone call…but the voice on the phone did not belong to Micheal.

V. The Reveal

Kathy hissed words in my ear that were incredibly scathing, but I couldn’t quite understand due to her faint lisp. She was extremely drunk, and possibly high, so I didn’t really understand anything that she was saying until she started talking to me in a screech and telling me that they had set the entire thing up to see how I would react, and that she was directing him the entire time. To this date, I don’t know if this is true or false, or if they decided that this was the story they would go with when they returned to their blissful life of bastardized feelings and lies. Regardless, I told them both exactly what I had been thinking the entire time, and added lyrics from one of my favorite bands to the tune of hoping the two of them went for a drive on ice and forget their seatbelts. I couldn’t hate them more if I tried..then they decided to sweeten the deal and tell me that I was pathetic and that no one will ever fall in love with someone so hateful and hideous. Angry doesn’t describe what I was feeling. I hung up the phone, and checked my text messages. Micheal sent me one text message from Kathy’s phone during the delightful revealing conversation telling me essentially that I was worthless and stupid. The dam broke at this point, so I called my best friend and explained the story to her. She could not believe that these two people would be so hurtful, and listened to me cry for a solid twenty minutes. After telling me her advice, I began my revenge.

VI. I Win.

Both of these two idiots had given me reason to believe that they were still in contact, and Micheal had stupidly given me access to his email account, which linked into her. I accessed their accounts and removed nude pictures of them and hit “Print” happily. They had both told me they received Christmas bonuses, so I began to formulate my plan. I had hundreds of instant messages from Micheal, and one of the most telling ones told me all about how he cheated on his wife with Kathy and managed to convince her not to charge him with child support. He also lamented that his wife was attempting to find out things against him and take him to court. I printed this evidence out and sealed it in an envelope for future use once I find his wife’s information. The nude pictures were mailed to their respective jobs, Kathy works at a church as a daycare facilitator, and Micheal works as a machinist at an all male facility. To Micheal’s pictures, I attached a note saying “Thank you for the Christmas bonus- thought I’d give you one too! ;)”. Kathy’s was simply a nude picture mounted on a Christmas card imploring the world to “raise trumpets and praise hallelujah”. I thought it was ironic because Kathy is easily 250-260 lbs and was wearing a cross around her neck. Trust that there was not one trumpet raised in celebration of this picture.

VII. Lesson Learned

  1. The philosophy that “if he’ll cheat with you, he will cheat on you” is incredibly obviously proven in the story. Ladies- if it seems too good to be true, and it seems like it might potentially be coming right out of a Lifetime movie script..drop him and run as fast as you can.
  2. If a friend screws you over more than once, chalk it all up to experience and bow out. Nobody needs drama in their life to follow them around.
  3. Don’t screw over people who know computers and have control of your e-mail accounts.
  4. Above all else- just avoid screwing people over. You never know when the feet you step on will be the ones kicking you in the ass later on in life.

“Love all. Trust few. Do wrong to no one.” – Shakespeare